MRI, ay, ay, ay!!!!

Post date: Dec 9, 2010 8:23:25 AM

Well, just in case you didn’t know it has been about six months since my last MRI and I had one yesterday. I love those things, if I am not in a good place mentally I have plenty of time to think about it while in there for about an hour and fifteen minutes. Let me tell you, I was not in a good place. I was all in my head about a lot of stuff and that is like being alone in a bad neighborhood. I was really flustered about this one, not sure why, I just have a feeling like something has changed and I will have to go through yet another challenge. I really don’t worry about it when I’m not in the machine, I have plenty of other things to occupy my time when I am in the world. Inside the tube though, there is no distraction, no peripheral, no escape.

Sorry every six months I get philosophical and self-absorbed; it is my time to do so. I have just a few days out of every year when I am sure my life will end shortly in a horrible way that I might actually be right. I like to revel in it a bit!

On to the next part: I am now not employed by anyone. This is kind of a scary thing, I am prepared for it though. I have a long term plan I have put into action. This plan is one I have wanted to implement for some time, it involves getting contract employment or working off-site somehow. I never have written about my daughter and how she has influenced my life, at least in this way. I worked at a company for almost a year where I went in early, not because they made me, I wanted to. It was better for my performance, the company, and for me missing traffic. I usually arrived there in the office about 630 AM after a half-hour drive. For the math majors that meant I left my house at 600AM. I usually did this after waking Brooklyn up to give her a goodbye kiss. This was the normal thing for a while but she then started getting up to see me off by the front door. She was not happy I was leaving, she was really sad, really upset sometimes. She would be standing there with tears in her eyes asking me not to go, imploring me to stay. I didn’t know what to do, well I knew what to do…not go. I never stopped though, never did I stay there, I felt I couldn’t. What a weasel, I was spineless. Many people say that is what you have to do, you have to go to work and make a living so you can provide for her. I’m not so sure that is the correct answer; there really is no correct answer, just one you tell yourself so you can still leave. I was heartbroken, on a daily basis, not sure what to do; looking at bills and feeling powerless to do anything about the situation as a whole. It is about now I wish I could say I came up with some master plan of massive action or something like that but I didn’t, I went to work, and I came home…rinse…wash…repeat. I gave what I had to the job, and then I gave what I had to my family; real exciting, I know. I did always want to do something about it, you know where wanting gets you…wanting. I kept on going and kept on going, now I have an opportunity to shop around for the right thing to do that will make all of the needs be satisfied. I am looking forward to being able to find fulfilling work and family life; to really have it all! Hopefully you will see more and more updates on my progress, I’ll let you know about my head, literally and emotionally! I just found this one, I like what is has to say:

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow; it only saps today of its strength.”

–A.J. Cronin