Disappointment is a function of expectations...

Post date: Dec 11, 2010 3:26:21 AM

I learn all the time, it seems, that the quote in the Big Book of AA is true. My serenity is inversly proportional to my level of expectations. It is a tough thing to have something taken away from you, well....something you expected to have at least. I was not having the greatest of days today. I lost the chance to get something I really wanted today, and I was not in control of the reason. I see this as being the worst of it all, when it is something I did or didn't do it seems easier to accept. When the event is not something in the small amount of things I actually control, that is when the going gets tough. It is then I am really tested and there really is no "right answer". I look to see where I could have done anything different, then to see what my part was in the outcome; this is usually where I am humbled by my findings. I always find something that is my part to cause what happened. It would be much easier to just look outward and see all of the things wrong with the world or a situation, that is not my style though. I have taken responsibility for my life, the good and the bad right along with it. I am forced to see where I play a part in all of my life, sometimes only in how I react to something; but that is still a part. By the way, most of the time it is the only part! This thing called responsiblity is a double edged sword, it is liberating to not be at the mercy of anyone or anything again. At the same time it takes away my hiding places, the favorite ones I used to run into when shit went down; you know, guilt, pity, depression, fear, avoidance. Those all used to work, I thought, but not like responsibility. I was only covering a big poo burger with tons of mustard...after a while I had to eat it and by that time it had gotten a lot bigger and no amount of mustard could make it taste any better, if you know what I mean.

Today I called whom I needed to call and told them what happened; they were disappointed too. I faced up to the fact I played a part, and it is done. It didn't get put in the closet to grow and then be badly dealt with when it is waaaaayyy too late. I am better today even losing my shot at something very important, because I am responsible for making another chance tomorrow...and with that, I leave you with this...

To avoid situations in which you might make mistakes may be the biggest mistake of all.

- Peter McWilliams